Bozo Criminal of the Day!

[mustang6984]

Love Is In the Air

If anyone has any doubt that things have gotten weird during the pandemic, please consider today's report from Forest Park, Illinois. A business owner called the cops when she received a suspicious package which she could not identify. Fearing that the package might contain a bomb, officers opened the package in a safe area. Well it did contain an explosive device of sorts, but not the kind to do any damage. Inside was a tubular shaped object with a spring inside. Upon removal of the top, it revealed itself to be a glitter bomb, ejecting multi colored pieces of glitter. And not just regular glitter either. These pieces of glitter were in the shape of little tiny penises. Anyone with any information as to who sent the love bomb is asked to call the cops.

[mustang6984]

Ma'am, I'm Going To Have To Ask You To Show Me Your Monkey

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bay City, Michigan where courthouse employees regularly scan every purse and package brought into the building. But, it's safe to say they'd never seen anything like this. Our bozo put her purse on the conveyor belt and noises started coming from inside. The security guard was shocked by what he saw on his screen. The image of a tiny squirrel monkey. The guard then politely asked the woman to show him her monkey' which she did. After determining the chimp was not a threat' he told her she would have to take the monkey outside' as the only chimps allowed in court are the lawyers. No charges were filed and she was instructed to find a monkey sitter.

[mustang6984]

He Then Replied, "Well, That Will Teach Me To Wear Pants"

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kitty Hawk, North Carolina where the cops noticed our bozo acting strangely in a public park. A quick check of his person found methamphetamine, marijuana and some unidentified pills in the pocket of his jeans. Before they could arrest him, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. While he did not deny he was in possession of the drugs, he did deny ownership of the pants. Yep, he said, "Those are not my pants." The officers offered their sympathy, but advised our bozo that you should always check the pockets before putting on someone else's jeans. He's busted!

[mustang6984]

DO NOT buy any cars from Sacramento without a Car Fax report...
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Well, I Knew This Was One Smelly Pond

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today's report from Sacramento County, California. It seems our bozo was cruising around on Memorial Day when he lost control of his vehicle and crashed into a pond. Dispatch received a call from him around 1:30 a.m. and when the cops arrived they found our bozo and his vehicle "well submerged" in the pond. He explained to the officers that he had spent about an hour trying to get his car unstuck before calling the cops. And just why does this merit inclusion in the Bozo Report? The "pond" he was submerged in was a liquid manure storage pond at a dairy farm. Ugh. He's been charged with DUI. That car will need a LOT of those little Christmas trees to get that stink out.

[mustang6984]

Not Just Any Microwave Will Make Hot Pockets Like This

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Diego, California where the cops were dispatched to a Wells Fargo Bank branch at 3:30 AM on a report of a break-in. They found a broken window near the drive-thru. Taking a quick look around inside, it appeared everything was normal. Until they walked into the break room. There they found our bozo enjoying a tasty meal of Hot Pockets. He offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, telling the officers he only broke in to use the bank's microwave. When asked if the Hot Pockets were worth it, he replied, "Hell Yeah!" He's under arrest.

[mustang6984]

Life In the Fast Lane

From Fort Pierce, Florida comes our Bozo Excuse of the Week. Cops gave chase to a vehicle they saw run a red light. After a short pursuit the pickup truck pulled over and that's when our bozo offered up this classic excuse. He said he ran the light and fled from the cops because "his pants were down." Further investigation found that there was another passenger in the car, who was apparently performing a sex act on him at the time of the alleged offense. Crack cocaine and a crack pipe was also found in the truck. His companion was charged with drug possession and prostitution after she admitted the drugs were hers. Our bozo was sited for running a red light.

[mustang6984]

Not a good idea to make an A-- of yourself in court...
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This Whole Thing Could Have Been Prevented By a Pair of Suspenders

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today's report from Chattanooga, Tennessee. Bozo Michael Lester had been sentenced to three days in jail for contempt of court, but the judge decided to show mercy and release him after only one night. It was when he appeared before the judge that his problems began. Apparently his pants were rather droopy and when the judge repeatedly asked him to pull them up, he did just the opposite. He dropped his drawers, turned around and mooned the judge. Bad idea. Back to jail for 10 days this time.

[mustang6984]

This Is a Case For Jerry Springer

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jamesport, Missouri where the cops were called to a report of a kidnapping. But this was no ordinary case. The victim escaped her captor and told the cops a strange tale. She said her brother had texted her, asking her to meet up. And that's when he took her against her will, driving her to Illinois. And the reason for this brotherly kidnapping? He didn't like her fiance and was taking matters into his own hands to prevent the wedding. Didn't work. The wedding is planned for Saturday and our bozo is charged with first degree kidnapping.

[mustang6984]

Game Over

Bozo criminal for today comes from Grants Pass, Oregon where bozo Anthony Denton stole a Toyota SUV right in front of sheriff's deputies who were waiting to have the vehicle towed after an unrelated DUI arrest. He then led cops on a high speed 40-mile chase through several towns. During the chase, he managed to crash through a fence, run over spike stops twice and drive down several roads the wrong way. He then rammed a police cruiser, jumped out of the car, ran into a nearby mobile home and tried to steal another vehicle before finally being taken into custody. His Bozo Excuse of the Week? He was high on LSD and thought he was playing Grand Theft Auto. OK. He's been charged with recklessly endangering another person, reckless driving, first-degree criminal mischief, attempting to elude an officer in a vehicle, second-degree criminal trespass and unlawful entry into a vehicle.

[mustang6984]

Hello. How Do I Look? You Look Arrested

Bozo criminal for today from Okaloosa County, Florida was foiled by modern technology. Bozo Chandler Baker stole a cellphone when the owner let him borrow it to use during a party. The owner contacted the cops, who used their cellphone to place a Facetime call to the thief. Of course he answered it. The cop then took a screenshot of our bozo's smiling face. He was positively ID'ed by the owner and our bozo was arrested and charged with grand theft.

[mustang6984]

Really??? For a PEPSI???

Bozo criminals for today come from Richland County, South Carolina. A man and woman burst into the local Pizza Hut, brandishing a weapon...they demanded cash right? Nope. Our bozos demanded a Pepsi. They confronted the clerk and said their delivery driver did not include their promised Pepsi in their order, so they were here to get it. The man held the gun on the manager while the woman grabbed a two liter bottle of Pepsi from behind the counter. They then left to enjoy their refreshing beverage. Cops have good security camera footage and hope to be able to make an arrest soon.

[mustang6984]

Now...I am certain that this doesn't bring up any memories for ANYONE here...right? Huh? Yea, I thought so!
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Well What Good Is Having a Fast Car If You Can't Open It Up?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elkhart County, Indiana where bozo Michael Dever was cruising down the highway in his souped up Mustang. Cruising at 120 in a 70 MPH zone. Indiana State Police officers gave chase and pursued him for 25 miles before troopers threw stop sticks in his path. And just why didn't he stop? His bozo excuse was that he thought the cops wanted to race. Uh-huh. He's charged with resisting police, reckless driving and several moving violations.

[mustang6984]

They Definitely Went Hog Wild

Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Montepulciano, Italy violated basic Bozo Rule Number 001110323: Think first, then hide your stash. It seems the cops were aware our bozo gang had been peddling cocaine in the clubs in the area and had even wiretapped their phones to keep track of what was going on. Our bozos got wind that something was up and decided to hide their stash. Now what to do with it? How about head into the countryside and bury in in a remote location. Good idea. Who could possibly find it? Guess they forgot about the pack of feral hogs that was roaming around the area. Cops listening in to the wiretap heard our bozos complaining the the hogs had dug up the coke stash and scattered it everywhere. Oops. Our bozos are busted. No word on the hogs.

[mustang6984]

Say Cheezy!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the perv department in Madison, Wisconsin. It seems our unidentified 32-year-old bozo liked to take "upskirt" pictures of unsuspecting women. He has just invested in a new piece of hardware, a camera attached to his shoe. Must have been one of those cheap imports, though as the battery exploded before the camera ever started rolling. After being treated for burns on his foot caused by the battery, our bozo felt guilty and tried to turn himself in to the cops. However, the police ruled no crime had been committed as no pictures were taken. He was given counseling and probably told that's what the internet is for.

[mustang6984]

There's Never a Trash Can Around When You Need It

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today's report from Nashville, Tennessee where the cops spotted bozo Antonio Franklin rolling a marijuana joint while walking on a downtown street. When he saw the cops approaching, he stuffed the joint into his pocket. Then for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind he pulled a plastic baggie containing a white substance out of the same pocket and when the officer was standing next to him, poured the powder over the officer's head and tossed the remainder into the air. His excuse? He was "getting rid of the evidence." Didn't work. He's been charged with possession of a schedule IV drug, unlawful use of drug paraphernalia and tampering with evidence.